plans

so last night was one of the few nights in my adult life that i sat down and sorted through figures. you see, bills ...are daunting to me. i know that i can't pay them, so often they end up pushed to the side as part of a huge, junky-looking pile on my countertops at home. it's how my depression manifests itself, and i'm now pretty cognisent of this. it's my vicious cycle. i open bills with a sick, sick stomach; see that i, in fact, cannot pay them in full, and sometimes, much of it at all; i pay what i can, starve for awhile, and let all subsequent bills sit and sit and sit.

but like i said, last night i sat down and went through some of the mess. most of it actually, so i know that most likely, i'll be taking a couple thousand dollars worth of debt into november--that's without the mortgage that is still due over the course of its life. that's not awful, considering many others have student loans and whatnot. but it's not good either, because i do NOT have that money. i'll have to go to daddy for some of it, probably, which kills me, but... what can ya do? and i think i can keep some of the costs that i've budgeted in for october down some. and who knows, maybe i can get more income than i'm thinking right now.

anywho, no utilities will be turned off, so that's good. i'm not in any clear and present danger of losing my home either.

plans for now... i'm auditioning next week for VELVETEEN RABBIT at the children's museum. i'm also going to an open call at the helen wells agency. i'm hoping to find a better job, and because i don't know when that will come, i'm aware and preparing for big changes to come anytime. my goal is to be in a better job, paying an amount i deserve and am worthy of, by MARCH. so that by next summer, i can look into getting my own car--and paying for it on my own, no daddy involved (although because my credit is shot, i may need him to co-sign on the loan). i also want to have health insurance by then.

oh yeah, and i'm gonna audition for the january production at the phoenix. yay!

these goals are at once simple and daunting.
wish me luck.